Living into Fear

Hello, my dear ones,
          I know I should write about movement, counting calories, how to mix diet with exercises, what to eat, tra,la,la....I can`t write today about this. Today I live in fear. My medical history content contains a T2 Diabetes diagnose since 2017. And I struggle every single day with balancing my blood sugar. I read, I listened to the studies, a lot of  these, Dr. Mowl medical studies, Dr.Fuhrmann studies, Dr. David Jockers videos, registrations, online courses, etc. I want to heal myself, I want to be free of illness. But finally I have to learn something from my illness state. I know I get today the consequences of a food disorders life, disorganized and sugar cravings without limits . I eat a lot when I was younger, I eat everything I wanted, how much I wanted and when I wanted without any thaughts and with unlimitless desires. Nobody stoped me, nobody told me what to do, how to manage. I was unhappy. And now I try to digest this situation, try to understand why and how to do. I am in searching of solution. I don`t have it write now but I hardly  it try every day . Even I am 40 kg less, I have high blood sugar. I feel fear for my morning blood sugar. If now, in the midnight my blood sugar is 190mg/dl tomorow morning it will be near 300mg/dl.This is bad, very bad and I am frightened. I thing about my mistake from the last weeks. I eat late, in night, around 10 p.m.,11 p.m., midnight, I eat carbo and sweet fruits and I shouldn`t. It`s wrong. I have to change this habit. I am crying now.
         In the last month I thaught to do the bariatric surgery. The Diabetes can go into remission with the bariatric surgery. The cost is aproximatively 4000 euros, in my currency 20000 lei. A lot of money. I don`t have this money. Anyway, I can`t understand the  logic of the process: I am taking my meds ( 500 mg Metformin with Januvia in the morning and 1000 mg Metformin before dinner), I add daily supplements like a antiinflammatory ones, like Omega 3, curcumin sometimes and also Magnesium and ofcourse Vitamin D, C, Zinc I drink all kind of teas for lowering blood sugar, I intake seeds (I will write about the teas and seeds soon), I intake Diatab ayurvedic natural supplements, I regulated my diet.  Whereas, I have often high blood sugar. My highest limit was 275 mg/dl. Generally, my blood sugar, "a jeune" test (in the morning) is usually 160 mg/dl more or less. Sometimes it is 180, sometimes is 140, rarely 135 or 127, ever under 100 mg/dl as I want  . I am stressed, I am struggling. I noticed exactly my blood sugar , if I`ve gone through a period where I haven`t meditated maibe properly or at all and not doing exercises the level goes up. I should be sure that my body is well taken care of by doing all these things that helps it be a little bit more physucally resilient towards stress. Maibe my betta cells can`t eliminate anymore insulin and I should visit my doctor to increase the medication or to skip to insulin.I am frightened about that. I don`t want this situation in my life. I go in the kitchen and I prepare a natural raw juice using: red cabbage, a handful of spinach, white radish and lemon. I try to drink. Not very tasty. But I drink it, step by step, I have to force my self to drink. It's not just a glass but a jaw because it has a strong taste and I added 300 ml of water.
         In the Coronavirus pandemic time it`s allowed to go out only for the urgent problems and only for a maximum distance of 400 m around the home. I've been at home for a month and my tapis-roulant is still there, unmoved, fixed to the floor, a pile of iron and plastic that looks at me strangely. I preferred to read and stay sedentary. I have to touch this machine again. Maibe tomorow. I whisper this to myself every day and every day, I try to catch in my inner life an impulse to set it in motion and to climb on it. I still wait since I will check my blood sugar. I have to drink all the juice and to go to the toilet and only after going in bed. By hydrating myself, excess sugar passes into the urine and decreases in the blood. I hope everything will be ok with me but I am scared, very scared. So, I look for Esther Hicks on Youtube and I started to listen to her. I want to align myself with The Divine Source and being in the Vortex, beginning my healing process. I still don't know how to do it. I have to listen to her longer and meditate more than I have done so far. Maibe I should to go hand in hand with my disease and not to resist it. The disease  changed mebut I think we cand agree, me and the diabetes because at the moment we`ll continue to learn to live together. Esther says when you stop thaught to stop resistance, everything can flow into your experience, so, if I will do as Esther said, the healing will flow into my body.
           I keep to drink my horrible juice. After half an hour of drinking the first glass, I began to feel a certain taste in my mouth, tongue and palate, the specific signal that my blood sugar was starting to drop. I drunk every drop of juice step by step. After one hour I check my blood sugar. It is decresed to 50 units.  I am cold. I think about something beautiful, about changing my life, move to another town, near to the sea. This dream with open eyes warms my heart and I don`t feel my feet and my hands cold anymore. Go to sleep praying. Tomorow I have to change all my diet, to reconfigure everything I did because something is going wrong. I am strong. I know I will get it.. I want to be "free" again, remove my illness definitely from my body, put it into remission. I still have to experience what it`s work for me but I have to be constant in my actions. Good night, my loved ones!!!!
                                                                                               Your`s Health Coach, with love